Save A TON Of Money | Install A Southern Home Security System

old front porch

Here’s a picture of an old front porch. It doesn’t matter, old or new. What can we add to that front porch for some good old southern home security?

How To Install A Southern Home Security System

Southern Home Security | Step 1

Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 – 16 men’s work boots.

Southern Home Security | Step 2

Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

Southern Home Security | Step 3

Put four GIANT dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

Southern Home Security | Step 4

Leave a note on your door that reads:


Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.


Oh come on… you gotta admit that was pretty funny…

Remember, you need 4 of these,

Extra Large Dog Bowl

Best extra large dog bowl, stainless steel

Continue reading: 10 Things To Do When A Stranger Knocks On Your Door

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  1. Now, you just need a doorbell that growls and barks instead of ringing.

    Actually, I have already thought of much the same thing, except that my Wyoming Security System employs signs that say “Quarantine” and “Biological Hazard.”

    1. The Ring doorbell camera is what caught the escapee in West Tennessee. The owner got and alert in the middle of the night and there he was plain as day looking in their outside frig for something to eat. Caught him a few hours later.

  2. Don’t recall giving anyone permission to publish a picture of my front porch. Must be an old picture though, it don’t show the target stand beside the steps with a 1″ grouping in the ten ring with a note saying “Practicin’ this morning Bubba, this here’s my first group from 200 yards. I’m backin’ off to 250. Stand clear till I get back to the house……..Dennis

    1. Dennis,
      Haha! Didn’t know I was lurking in your hood?!
      I like your home security system too – “Stand clear till I get back to the house!” I might try that (will be funny to watch the UPS guy’s reaction).

    2. I’ve got home-printed signs on my windows with the same target/grouping with “DO NOT ENTER UNINVITED…” in English and Spanish…

  3. A friend once bought me a sign that said: “This house protected with guns 3 days a week. You guess which 3.”

    I didn’t post it out front cuz we have a 4 day/week watch here. ;-)

  4. All kidding aside, I had a neighbor call me a while back to tell about several thefts and burglaries that had occurred in our widely scattered community. She said that some folks had experienced multiple incidents. I told her, truthfully, that I had not experienced any thefts since I had built on my property some 14 years ago. She responded “Well that’s because everyone is scared of you.” To which I replied, “Well, that’s good. I prefer respect, but fear seems to work too.”

    I’m guessing that “fear” comes from the fact everyone knows my background, everyone within a mile or so hears my daily range sessions, several have come to watch me engage my steel targets at speed. Word travels fast on the mountain. I’m guessing (and hope) that those ne’er-do-wells who listen to the grapevine have decided my house ain’t worth the possible cost of doing business.

    1. Dennis — just goes to prove what a teacher told us in school a hundred yrs ago (grin)….even a drug addict will not steal from the little old lady who carries the mob money in her sack…Drug addict (even though an addict) knows the mob will kill him.

    2. Dennis,

      We are in your boat! Folks regularly remark that they “hear” us practice at least weekly….then want to come up the driveway to watch! I tell them they need a special invitation to get past the electronic gate and dogs….

  5. Well I got a shootin car out frent of my home all nice and rustie with plenty of bullet holes.
    A sign in front says “no trespansin”

    That’ll do…

  6. Ha! It’s good to laugh. The new property we are buying has a sign that says, “If you can read this, you are in range.”

    1. Rough Rider,

      My daughter bought me one of those β€œIf you can read this, you are in range” metal signs. I mounted it on the 8′ 4×4 post marking the 25 yard line of my PPC range. If you can read it, you are in fact, in the range. I thought it was a good place to display it.

  7. Something I wish someone would create is a zone motion detector, maybe three per side of house system that activates loudspeakers of a trio of crazed Rottweiler’s trying to rip the door off, slamming into the walls. Linked to a computer program that activates your cell phone and as the “Targets” move the sounds of angry Rottweiler’s follows them around the house.

    Yes a couple of loud speakers needed but I’d LOVE to be in over watch observing the results.

    That and the well chewed boot of three in the yard might make them worried what IS in there….

    Seriously anybody seen such a program setup?

    1. me2,

      I actually set up a system like you describe, sans the motion detector, on my front porch back in Texas. Hooked it up to activate when you turned on the porch light. Had a cassette tape loop of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs’ “Little Red Riding Hood” song intro, complete with wolf howl. Scared the heck out of trick or treaters on Halloween.

    2. Chuckling you reminded me of the time I had a sound track of thriller on loop, and a coffin hidden in tall grass for Halloween. I came out of it to “Greet them” didn’t get to pass out any candy that year :-)

      Living so far out I never get trick or treaters.

      But I know from taking to some SWAT guys I know the sounds of a nasty dog inside a target home slowed them up a bit. I suspect the lesser thugs might decide to look elsewhere?

  8. I have a sign at the bottom of the drive before the house can be seen. β€œBy now you knows you ain’t lost, yous trupessing!”

  9. Must say, I needed a good smile today
    Thanks Ken

    PS; ya might add an old basketball all chewed up in the mix

  10. welp yall I done knowed some em kinda folks afore. they is a fairly rough bunch specially when thys aint got no teef to et that corn on the cob. sol right tho, theys drank plenty of corn an theys likes to practis shooting at tha flies with them rifles.

    1. Mrs. USMCBG — problem is, someone would make a complaint to the “authorities”, and before you know it, said vet would be under a protection (mental health) order, or some such

    1. Mrs. USMCBG;

      That’s an easy one
      Get a Costume/Mannequin of Hillary and set it in a rocking chair on the front porch.
      Ain’t nada going to mess with that house —- guaranteed.

  11. Thank you for the smile. Believe it or not some of this stuff works. Like the man said rather have respect but fear works too.

  12. Gotta “season” the dog dishes with some dried food stuck to the sides and around the rim. Have a few empty, red, .12ga. shot shells lying about the porch, near a chair, along with a few crushed beer cans of the cheapest gut wash you can find.

    Doorbell dogs noises are nice. But, I would also place indoor/outdoor carpets, or rugs, with pressure switches under them, to cover any windows located on the porch. Motion detectors might trip to easily, but a pressure switch will only if stepped upon…say as the bad guy tries to see inside the house at a window. The curtains at each window could also be made to move rapidly from their unseen bottoms, if the switch just outside that window is activated..and a small electric motor swings an armature into them…as if a dog is causing them to move.

    Lots of great ideas to consider. Especially, if you are inside the home lying low from zombies.

  13. WARNING:
    Protected by B.D.L.G

    Barking Dog Loaded Gun

    Due to the price increase of ammo
    Do not expect a warning shot

  14. ” Southern by the Grace of God”.

    I jes don’t know what y’all find funny here? We live on a one lane dirt road with Kin folks near by. Never have any trouble around these parts. Protected by the County Sheriff which we see drive by once a month and the local Farmer’s Militia . More concerned about Critters like Gators and snakes, so best watch out fur dem hogs.

  15. Being from a healthcare background…”Warning Hepatitis C environment with Oxygen in use. Protective facemask and protective gear mandatory! Call United Healthcare before entering, ______ County health department, risk of contagious infection high!”

    1. Km in NC — Just to round things off, you could add to that sign—-

      Explosive Diarrhea and Projectile Vomiting

  16. “Anyone found here at night will be found here in the morning.”

    And so many security cameras the person is either a recluse or batshit crazy. Or batshit crazy recluse.

  17. My daughter started buying me metal novelty signs for Father’s Day, a few years back. I mentioned the “If you can read this, you are in range” sign that I mounted on the 25 yard line of my PPC range. She also bought one that I’ve mounted on the porch by the front door that reads “Hell With the Dog–Beware the Wife”…………….lot of truth in that sign.

    1. In central florida my late aunt had two white bull dogs dixie and rebel. I wouldn’t go near the house unless they were locked up. Old cracker house screen porch all the way around house they would patrol the porch day and night. Only person they would let on that deck my mom her twin sister. I miss that old town but not the bugs humidity snakes. Bull dogs work

  18. Needed a good laugh today, thank you all. We also had a dog that like to chew, she chewed up her dish like Ken showed above. She left teeth holes all along the top of the dish. I think if I see a half eaten dish, I’m not hanging around.

  19. – Wish I had a picture and a way to post it. One of the ranches around the town where I grew up had a hand-painted sign that said, “Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”
    – Papa S.

    1. Papa Smurf
      Found that sign at a craft store, not HL, but another and purchased all that I could find.

  20. We have a pit bull that is a great door bell. Most people will call before they approach the house. We used to have a sign that said “Forget the dog, beware of owner. If you feel lucky knock”

  21. Years ago we sold a house and didn’t know our doorbell was broken till the final walk-through. What we DID have was an alert and loud Giant Schnauzer. I never feared for my safety while DH was on Navy deployments.

  22. Maybe a cardboard cutout of the kid from Deliverance and the dueling banjos getting louder the closer you get to the door

  23. I have a great sign… Yankees live here and they ain’t that smart… luv ya’ll, Beach’n

  24. Well gee whiz all MY sign says is Guard Cat on duty. Although an old neighbor had 2 bobcats in their back yard. Never did find out how they were able to keep them as they moved shortly after we moved in. Another neighbor said they had raised them from kitten hood. But it was kinda neat to see them sunning themselves on top of their “dog” house while the big sign said “Beware of dog”.

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