Old front porch

A Southern Home Security System

Here’s a picture of an old front porch. It doesn’t matter, old or not… What can we add to that front porch for some good old southern home security?

How To Install A Southern Home Security System

Southern Home Security | Step 1

Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 – 16 men’s work boots.

Southern Home Security | Step 2

Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

Southern Home Security | Step 3

Put four GIANT dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

Southern Home Security | Step 4

Leave a note on your door that reads:


Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.


Oh come on… you gotta admit that was pretty funny…

(re-posted for comic relief)


  1. Now, you just need a doorbell that growls and barks instead of ringing.

    Actually, I have already thought of much the same thing, except that my Wyoming Security System employs signs that say “Quarantine” and “Biological Hazard.”

    1. DaisyK yepper I use the plastic bio-hazard signs (buy them on Amazon or eBay) also bought some rolls of the yellow barrier tape which has bio-hazard stenciled on it. In a time of need can post these on the front door with a fake ‘red label do not enter’ county’s notice and surround the porch and back door entrance with the boundary tape…also fill some black trash bags with trash or whatever and put bio-hazard labels sit them outside along with a used chemical suit by the entrance doors..it’s impressive.

  2. Don’t recall giving anyone permission to publish a picture of my front porch. Must be an old picture though, it don’t show the target stand beside the steps with a 1″ grouping in the ten ring with a note saying “Practicin’ this morning Bubba, this here’s my first group from 200 yards. I’m backin’ off to 250. Stand clear till I get back to the house……..Dennis

    1. I’ve got home-printed signs on my windows with the same target/grouping with “DO NOT ENTER UNINVITED…” in English and Spanish…

  3. A friend once bought me a sign that said: “This house protected with guns 3 days a week. You guess which 3.”

    I didn’t post it out front cuz we have a 4 day/week watch here. ;-)

  4. All kidding aside, I had a neighbor call me a while back to tell about several thefts and burglaries that had occurred in our widely scattered community. She said that some folks had experienced multiple incidents. I told her, truthfully, that I had not experienced any thefts since I had built on my property some 14 years ago. She responded “Well that’s because everyone is scared of you.” To which I replied, “Well, that’s good. I prefer respect, but fear seems to work too.”

    I’m guessing that “fear” comes from the fact everyone knows my background, everyone within a mile or so hears my daily range sessions, several have come to watch me engage my steel targets at speed. Word travels fast on the mountain. I’m guessing (and hope) that those ne’er-do-wells who listen to the grapevine have decided my house ain’t worth the possible cost of doing business.

    1. Dennis — just goes to prove what a teacher told us in school a hundred yrs ago (grin)….even a drug addict will not steal from the little old lady who carries the mob money in her sack…Drug addict (even though an addict) knows the mob will kill him.

    2. Dennis,

      We are in your boat! Folks regularly remark that they “hear” us practice at least weekly….then want to come up the driveway to watch! I tell them they need a special invitation to get past the electronic gate and dogs….

    3. Dennis…..same here, my country abode in Texas, had a 25 acre back field which was my shooting range, at that time had a Barrett 50 cal and when I shot that cannon it was a notification to the neighbors who were great neighbors and like minded gun nuts to come on over as the shooting range was in session. I miss those days and neighbors who have since passed, now I am a desert dweller in high plains northern Nevada with no neighbors.

  5. Well I got a shootin car out frent of my home all nice and rustie with plenty of bullet holes.
    A sign in front says “no trespansin”

    That’ll do…

  6. Ha! It’s good to laugh. The new property we are buying has a sign that says, “If you can read this, you are in range.”

    1. Rough Rider,

      My daughter bought me one of those “If you can read this, you are in range” metal signs. I mounted it on the 8′ 4×4 post marking the 25 yard line of my PPC range. If you can read it, you are in fact, in the range. I thought it was a good place to display it.

  7. Something I wish someone would create is a zone motion detector, maybe three per side of house system that activates loudspeakers of a trio of crazed Rottweiler’s trying to rip the door off, slamming into the walls. Linked to a computer program that activates your cell phone and as the “Targets” move the sounds of angry Rottweiler’s follows them around the house.

    Yes a couple of loud speakers needed but I’d LOVE to be in over watch observing the results.

    That and the well chewed boot of three in the yard might make them worried what IS in there….

    Seriously anybody seen such a program setup?

    1. me2,

      I actually set up a system like you describe, sans the motion detector, on my front porch back in Texas. Hooked it up to activate when you turned on the porch light. Had a cassette tape loop of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs’ “Little Red Riding Hood” song intro, complete with wolf howl. Scared the heck out of trick or treaters on Halloween.

    2. Chuckling you reminded me of the time I had a sound track of thriller on loop, and a coffin hidden in tall grass for Halloween. I came out of it to “Greet them” didn’t get to pass out any candy that year :-)

      Living so far out I never get trick or treaters.

      But I know from taking to some SWAT guys I know the sounds of a nasty dog inside a target home slowed them up a bit. I suspect the lesser thugs might decide to look elsewhere?

  8. I have a sign at the bottom of the drive before the house can be seen. “By now you knows you ain’t lost, yous trupessing!”

  9. Must say, I needed a good smile today
    Thanks Ken

    PS; ya might add an old basketball all chewed up in the mix

  10. welp yall I done knowed some em kinda folks afore. they is a fairly rough bunch specially when thys aint got no teef to et that corn on the cob. sol right tho, theys drank plenty of corn an theys likes to practis shooting at tha flies with them rifles.

  11. The sort of sign I would like is, Warning old Vet has flashbacks.

  12. Put on your thinking cap. What would a northern rendition of this funny be?

    1. Mrs. USMCBG;

      That’s an easy one
      Get a Costume/Mannequin of Hillary and set it in a rocking chair on the front porch.
      Ain’t nada going to mess with that house —- guaranteed.

    2. Mrs. USMCBG,
      As ammo is no longer cheap, no warning shots will be fired…

  13. Thank you for the smile. Believe it or not some of this stuff works. Like the man said rather have respect but fear works too.

  14. Gotta “season” the dog dishes with some dried food stuck to the sides and around the rim. Have a few empty, red, .12ga. shot shells lying about the porch, near a chair, along with a few crushed beer cans of the cheapest gut wash you can find.

    Doorbell dogs noises are nice. But, I would also place indoor/outdoor carpets, or rugs, with pressure switches under them, to cover any windows located on the porch. Motion detectors might trip to easily, but a pressure switch will only if stepped upon…say as the bad guy tries to see inside the house at a window. The curtains at each window could also be made to move rapidly from their unseen bottoms, if the switch just outside that window is activated..and a small electric motor swings an armature into them…as if a dog is causing them to move.

    Lots of great ideas to consider. Especially, if you are inside the home lying low from zombies.

  15. WARNING:
    Protected by B.D.L.G

    Barking Dog Loaded Gun

    Due to the price increase of ammo
    Do not expect a warning shot

  16. A variety of empty brass wind chimes and shot gun shell Christmas lights

  17. Being from a healthcare background…”Warning Hepatitis C environment with Oxygen in use. Protective facemask and protective gear mandatory! Call United Healthcare before entering, ______ County health department, risk of contagious infection high!”

  18. “Anyone found here at night will be found here in the morning.”

    And so many security cameras the person is either a recluse or batshit crazy. Or batshit crazy recluse.

  19. My daughter started buying me metal novelty signs for Father’s Day, a few years back. I mentioned the “If you can read this, you are in range” sign that I mounted on the 25 yard line of my PPC range. She also bought one that I’ve mounted on the porch by the front door that reads “Hell With the Dog–Beware the Wife”…………….lot of truth in that sign.

    1. In central florida my late aunt had two white bull dogs dixie and rebel. I wouldn’t go near the house unless they were locked up. Old cracker house screen porch all the way around house they would patrol the porch day and night. Only person they would let on that deck my mom her twin sister. I miss that old town but not the bugs humidity snakes. Bull dogs work

  20. – Wish I had a picture and a way to post it. One of the ranches around the town where I grew up had a hand-painted sign that said, “Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”
    – Papa S.

    1. Papa Smurf
      Found that sign at a craft store, not HL, but another and purchased all that I could find.

  21. We have a pit bull that is a great door bell. Most people will call before they approach the house. We used to have a sign that said “Forget the dog, beware of owner. If you feel lucky knock”

  22. Years ago we sold a house and didn’t know our doorbell was broken till the final walk-through. What we DID have was an alert and loud Giant Schnauzer. I never feared for my safety while DH was on Navy deployments.

  23. Maybe a cardboard cutout of the kid from Deliverance and the dueling banjos getting louder the closer you get to the door

  24. Well gee whiz all MY sign says is Guard Cat on duty. Although an old neighbor had 2 bobcats in their back yard. Never did find out how they were able to keep them as they moved shortly after we moved in. Another neighbor said they had raised them from kitten hood. But it was kinda neat to see them sunning themselves on top of their “dog” house while the big sign said “Beware of dog”.

  25. Get some yellow police line tape and draw a chalk outline of a human body by the front door.It repels Jehova Witnesses and
    encyclopedia salesmen.Should work on burglars.

  26. great post ken, HAHA,
    a banjo and some watchtower pamphlets scattered around on the porch will do the trick. throw in some old shoes and cow bones that the dogs have dragged into the yard and chewed up and you’re in business. thank you sir! : )

  27. I leave my Lyman brass tumbler/cleaner running with a partial load of 45 or 38 spec pistol brass running. The outlet is by my front door. I do not leave this on when I go out. I do leave cryptic reminders in the garbage bin though: old targets with load data on 3M post-it notes. In my neighborhood, I’m just another old men that many neighbors know I have a gun. I see many of my neighbors at the range – that is how they know. To look at my home and yard, one would not see a lot of obvious indicators of an armed homeowner. Lots of bird feeders, bubbling fountain, a plum tree that has a lot of fruit this year, cut grass, dog poop until I scoop it up. Several of the neighbors are local PD or SO. There are also several of us that one time worked as SoCal LEO’s. The locals know we got stories. Me being younger among the SoCal LEO’s they know I did not get my 20 down there. Few people ask why I did not get my 20 years in down there anymore. I went to local shooting matches several times. I took second and first. I stopped going to local matches. I got enough trophies plaques at home from the old days in SoCal.

  28. I just bought some metal signs from Amazon, Quarantine, Bio hazard and dogs. Will they help? Who knows? Worth a few bucks to try. Hungry people probably won’t care anyway. Take their chances. You can have signs made up with your own words too. I kinda like, Vietnam Vet Has Flashbacks and PTSD or My Dogs Don’t Bark But Know Where You Are. Hundreds of cool things to put on a sign.

  29. Down at the front gate

    “Come on up, ESPECIALLY FAT PEOPLE, we’re starving!”

  30. Another audio deterrent that I saw years ago on the internet was the horn on a truck that was an M-4 on full auto. It showed people crossing the street and when it went off they took off. 😂
    Would love to have that, but I’m sure out here in Kalifornika it would be illegal. Never really thought of this till now, but that going off from a motion sensor would be awesome too.

  31. nice porch, i would feel at home there and comfortable. i don’t care what anyone says, ya can’t beat country for peace and quiet. it’s not just the location but the people also.
    there is some fried chicken, home made biscuits and sweet tea behind that front door.

  32. what could be added? two old men in bib overalls in those chairs would do the trick in my part of the world.
    i very much miss the high desert but i truly love where i live now.

  33. Years and years ago, I remember reading a short story for a college class. In it, the note left on the door of the house/apartment said something along the lines of their large boa constrictor was loose in the place and not to open the door until they got home.

  34. I have a large and aggressive appearing dog, so for a few dollars worth of beer i had a couple friends go in the local bar and talk about how crazy and sneaky he is. A neighbor was in the bar a couple months later and was asked if he was afraid to live near me. He said everyone in the place had heard my place was a no go zone.

  35. I find that just leaving my home to look like that picture, with a lawn to match, keeps away nearly everyone. If you get past that, you’ll meet my 85 pound Doberman/Shepard; fangs first. Get past that and you’ll be quite busy looking for anything good, long enough for one of us to arrive home and the other one to find a shovel. Get past that and you’ll meet our son… At least I think he’s my son. I suspect that my wife may have had a brief fling with a Chechen warlord back in ’94.

  36. I laughed and enjoyed all of the comments. In reality this is camouflage, deception, and disinformation to discourage ne’er do wells and encourage them to look elsewhere. I especially encourage large dogs even if they are just one that will trip someone wanting to be petted, as long as they will bark they are highly effective.

  37. To Deep South and Tmac: This has been a fun topic and I was glad to see 2 new posters on this site (in reference to Cooter and Bubba) I do hang 12 gauge shotshell Christmas tree lights each holiday season (Remington Green and Winchester Red – how festive!) In terms of camoflage, do not forget to wrap your rifle cases in Cartoon theme beach towels (Little Mermaid, Spongebob Squarepants, etc). and my pistol cases go inside a reusable cotton cloth grocery sack from my local Natural Food Store. Ammo is heavy and will blow out the stitching and fabric of a shopping bag so I have been using a heavy canvas, double stitched boat tote (from LL Bean) in size small to transport 100 – 200 rounds of 12 gauge shotshells. When out and about, when you look into my car windows, there is nothing that looks like a range bag or a rifle case.
    For Tmac: What type of underwear does an ammosexual wear? All kidding aside, please pass the urban camo lessons on to him as I remember car clouting was quite common in your area of the world.

    1. – Cali-
      Tmac didn’t answer, so I will; ammosexuals all are well-known to go all commando on everybody. LOLOL

      – Papa S.

      1. Papa Smurf,
        I’m confused. Doesn’t
        “Going Commando” mean wearing jeans without underwear?

      2. Papa Smurf – I didn’t answer because I’ve never gone trouser-diving on a person who is aroused by bullets. Sorry dude, I know a little about a lot, but I confess 100% ignorance on this subject.

      3. – Tmac, Miner Jim, et al,
        As a result of my job, I have seen a large number of people without their Pants/underwear, both male, female. and other-than-that. “Commando” simply means without underwear, whether under jeans or a skirt. And yes, i was at first quite taken aback by the number of women, of all ages, (I will never forget the grey-haired little old lady who assured me she ‘hadn’t worn underwear regularly since she was in high school’ as she pulled up her dress to expose her buttock for an injection.)
        The joke was on the dual meaning of “Commando”, if anyone had any doubts. I’m certain that people who might be identified as “ammosexual’ would be included in that number, of both (all?) genders would be included in that number.

        – Papa

        1. – Sorry, posted without proofreading. That was Papa Smurf who has worked as a nurse in both Emergency Rooms and Urgent Care Clinics long enough to be retired.

          – Papa S.

  38. From Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: Ferris Bueller’s little sister surprises a guy creeping around the house, kicks him in face multiple times prior to running upstairs. “I have a raging case of herpes and my father’s gun so go away before I call the police!”

    From the stories of Hunter S. Thompson: the creator of Gonzo journalism and inspiration for a Doonesbury Character: Uncle Duke. Somebody took a picture of him walking around his property with a Luger pistol in one hand and a bottle of Wild Turkey in the other. Wearing dark glasses and disheveled hair, Would you want to ask this guy to turn down his stereo system?

  39. I’m ready to leave my, so called, red state and move to Hannibal. It’s close to my state where my family lives.

  40. I know this is supposed to be funny but I’ll bet this would actually work really well.

Comments are closed.